The key to change

There was once a time where I was posting left right and center on this blog. And having 50+ comments (here's the proof). Lately, it has dwindled to one, perhaps two posts every three months! Not good...not good at all...so tells the husband.

PA, as I refer to him in my blog, reads all my blog-posts including those on my photo-blog. This is surprising since he, being the typical male, dislikes (note: hate is too strong a word) all emotional, sentimental, ...er...all *tal things (you get the idea, right?) and my blog has tons of sentiment flowing out of it. Still, for a person who does not like books, it was surprising to listen to him saying "C, you have given up writing blogs? Why? You write so well. I was reading your blog and all I could think was what happened to this person who wrote so beautifully?" Well PA, I did not run out of topics. Some other priorities overtook this past-time. Plus, as in my previous post, I do not have an overwhelming urge, as I had before, to spew out my thoughts. I have changed (surprise of surprises!). For the better (I hope). And I quite like it!

So we come back to where I started - the blog. It's my baby, something I found solace in when I was mad at the rest of the world (well, still am but no so much :-)..). Sine the key to change (especially those pleasant ones) is to accept and move on, I suppose I should devote some time to blogging as well. Things that are in the process of changing my mind - PA, 24 comments awaiting my moderation when I logged in yesterday, friends urging me to blog again. As a result, notice the brand new template....and the post? Still more in the works.

Lately, I have been toying with the idea of making this blog password-protected. What are your thoughts? (Spew) out with it.......

People....thou are God

I know I know! I've been away too long. And that's because, I found an easier way to express - well... I speak out :-)!

Jokes apart, the following is a topic that's been in my mind for quite some time, and (wonder of wonders), a pet peeve, something which PA has been nagging all along since....hmmm....hmmm...for almost two years now! Auuunnnnd the topic is - I don't hang out with people. I don't call up people. I don't interact with people. Given a book (and a laptop with Internet), I prefer to be by myself. Why? Given this soul-searching nature of the question, I had to dug into my depths of my memory to come up with a suitable explanation. I was such friendly soul in the past. But now, I've become such a notoriously selective person, so much that I prefer being alone rather than being with people who are a pain to be with. It's not that I don't hang out with friends. It's just that.... I like being alone. But then again, I like being alone. To the point of secluding myself. So..... what made me such an introvert? PA, this post is for you (and all those people who've foolishly ventured out to pop this question to me), and the whole world is out to witness my explanation....and my wrath.

• Expl 1: I was nerd. A geek. During my college days, my geekiness (and gawkiness) was predominant in the way I dressed (ack....was it me?), spoke, and I guess, every aspect of my character. And I only came to know of this 'little thing' when the boyfriend of my friend (who's no longer a friend) revealed this truly revealing thought- "She is such a specimen." Ahem....ladies and gentlemen (I hope), that 'she' is none other than yours truly and imagine the distress she felt when she was addressed a specimen! (Not good for her image at all!). And to think that I actually cried over it! All names under the sun....to me!

• Expl 2: Thanks to my.... err...'image', I was shunned by most of my collegians. Hence, the uppermost feeling during those days was a craving for acceptance. By peers. By friends. But most were too smart for their age: here I was, the loner who dressed badly. Imagine what would happen to your image if you hang out with me, this....this geeky specimen (hah!). The implications were too scary to imagine....... I guess. Between a geek and your friends, whom would you choose? Geek lost round 2 , and was condemned to remain alone for the rest of her term.

• Expl 3: Public image is a very powerful thing. And more than the individual, this image is more or less fueled by the society, by people talking behind your back. And the more 'powerful' and 'influential' they are, the more you are screwed! Even if I was a friendly albeit badly dressed, geeky soul, people were simply not ready to 'invest' their time, energy and emotion in me because......I was simply not worth it. Most of the times, I was excluded out of that 'elite' group of people invited to a party, get-together, a trek simply because I wasn't accepted by the rule-makers of that group. Or somebody had an axe to grind with me. And even though I was apparently a your friendly neighborhood girl to hang out with alone, the helpful classmate who lends her notes to you, the kind girl who listens to your cribs about life (and boys), I .....was not 'classy' enough to be invited to your party.

I learnt one of the most important lessons in my life - it's easier to simply venture out and identify your friends rather than penetrate a judgmental clique. Nobody has the guts to speak up for you since they themselves want to be accepted (this is the best explanation I could come up with). If there's something called hope, you'll find people who accept you, and even if that number's pretty small compared to the phenomenal number of the 'accepted' group, you'll be happy being yourself with the former.

Past is history. But sometimes, history has a weird way of repeating itself. And I am very averse to be caught in that loop. I give too much credit....to myself! I am smart. Talented. I write well. I can express my thoughts fluently. I dress well. I look...and feel good. I am on my way to pursue my career ambitions. I am loved and accepted by all those who matter most in my life. The prejudiced rest are simply not worth my time.

And this, my friends, remains the fundamental truth of my life.

TaDaaaaaaaan......

The idea of a photoblog had been in my head for a very long time. Just the effort required to pen it on paper....er.....publish it on web was required. After a few false-starts, I plunged into the details aaaauuunnnnndddddd.... here's the final result. Finally...finally...finally launching my photoblog at http://chitraazclicks.blogspot.com :-D ! Yiiipppeeeeee yippeeeee and yipppeeeee (I simply cannot stop grinning)! As usual (ahem!), comments and suggestions are very welcome.


After all the effort I put into customizing my photos, wordpress turned out to be a damp squib - I found the photo quality to be faded and washed-out. So came back to blogger, and a plethora of extensive research, photoshopping and html tweaks later, and I was yuxtremely satisfied with the final result (do I sound modest here? :P).


I was very intent on launching my photoblog this year. In spite of a few hiccups (a prolonged seige by the flu being the latest), this year has been a very fruitful year so far.Still awaiting the results of something towards which I've been working from a very long time. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best :-)!

A 'timely' gift

As a youngster, the only days I paid some attention to was my friends’ birthdays, and even though I was pretty hopeless in remembering the exact dates, I never passed up the opportunity of presenting them with a greeting card and a hand-made one at that! Most of the ideas I made use of were from store-bought cards, presented to me by my friends. Some had glittery designs, some vibrant colors, while others had a colorful appendage which spread out when one opened the card.



Call me old-fashioned, but however imperfect it may be, there’s something heart-warming about a hand-made gift. A greeting card, a note, a cake, a cassette ooops….now it’s a CD containing favourite songs, a hand-painted garment, beaded bracelets…..you name it! Each occasion was marked with a sense of surprise and wonder; surprise because someone remembered that special day, and wonder because the person attempted to give me something which he/she made with some effort, keeping my likes and dislikes in mind, and with the obvious intention to please. Makes one feel special and cherished indeed :-)!



With the passage and lack of time, I succumbed to the pressure and thus, store-bought gifts preceded the hand-made ones. Even with that, I used to scout stores to find something suitable. And I would undertake this ‘expedition’ only when I was interested enough. Else I would ditch going to any b’day party altogether – feigning you-are-my-bestest-friend wasn’t my forte. This was on the ‘giving’ side. On the receiving side, I received some thoughtful gifts. Some included books (my favorite gift of all :-)), while others included personal knick-knacks. On one occasion, one of my friends had bought a lunch-dabba filled with lip-smacking North-Indian snacks. What more could I have wanted! That was one memorable b’day (burp!).



Most of my friends now have married, had kids, and are generally busy with their careers and lives. Though I miss them a lot, I am in touch with them through mails and sometimes calls. We hardly live in the same city, let alone same country to visit and exchange gifts on occasions of b’day or anniversaries. However, these small reminders are all the wishes/gifts I can afford to have. And it cheers me up immensely that they (unlike me) can remember :-).

What a complex web we weave

I’ve always wondered what bonds the complicated creatures of mankind namely the women. Is it talking for hours together (especially over the phone), gossiping, giggling over secrets, hoo-haaing over something trivial, ‘discussing’ recipes so on and so forth? Well…... I guess it’s all because I do not seem to possess any of those ‘fine’ qualities. And that alone brands me as an ‘outcast’ :-).


I’ve always been attracted towards intelligence….of any form. I like people who can hold a honest (a slowly dying trait) conversation about any subject under the sun without any prejudice. My girl-friends, even the blogs I follow (on Google Reader :-)...), in one way or the other, reflect the same. True, with time, we have bonded closely on a personal level. However, at the first instance, there’s this spark of honesty and intelligence which has been surefire turn-ons for me :-).


There’s RS whose blogs I read regularly. They are such a fine mix of level-headedness and intelligence that I was completely hooked (a rare feat I assure you). I don’t remember exactly how our correspondence started but it did….and with a bang! We even met up (our offices being close) and have kept in touch for….. (hold your breath) almost an year.


Then there’s NJ who has been a common friend through Jay. SA whom I’ve known since the start of my professional career. KA whom I had never interacted at work but got in touch later. So on and so forth. There has been a trait so compelling, so integral in all these ladies that had reassured me back then, and still continues to….in spite of the distance separating us.


But I have to confess that I am a big failure in forging relationships under force, or if I get nasty feelers from others. And (some) women seem to be so adept in this particular aspect :-|! I can good-humouredly tolerate rebukes. I can forgive taunts treating them as childish behaviour. However, at one point, I simply zonk out not caring about them at all. I marvel at people who can get along with people who spite them in the face. The penultimate peoples' person. Maybe it’s because of want. Maybe it’s because of need. Maybe they are mature beyond their years. The only thing I’ve learnt from such experiences is that each relationship requires a combination honesty, respect and time from both sides to nurture lastingly. A one-sided effort consumes energy and, with passing time, it simply drains away.


To digress, as kids it's so easy to make friends. All you need is a peace-loving play-mate :-). With passing age, developing personalities impede. And finally as adults (hoo-boy...I make it sound like the end of the world!), it becomes so very difficult to forge friendship of the lasting variety, thanks to already formed (and sowed) thoughts and opinions. Common interests are a must to 'keep-in-touch'. And for some, status in the society as well. When was the last time you liked somebody for what they were? And because they brought to the surface a different 'you'.....and a better one at that? If you did, do not let them go.


To all my girl-friends out there, thanks for being such an integral part of my life. I wish I could express how much. I hope that this does.

To say...or not to say

I am the ultimate 'flee'er from confrontations.

I may have all the right reasons to defend myself, but most times, I let the person accuse me to the fullest, not even attempting to defend myself. It's similar to having a one-sided conversation… in this case, an accusation. One reason of not responding/reacting is to allow the people to vent the venom plaguing them inside. Another staid thought is that they are incapable of listening to any reasoning, however sound, during such emotional outbursts. Besides, any conversation hits home only when the participants are relaxed without being uptight and jumpy. In short, hysterically emotional (wow… did I actually coin that?)! My motto - stay away lest you get burnt (to a crisp!). The few times I let lose my feelings, I feel drained...... irritated with myself for losing my highly-prized control.

Sounds cool? Now you must be thinking what a control freak I am :-). True.....I do admit the fact (phew….finally!). However, my sense of control asserts itself not because I want things (or people) moulded to my liking, but more to prevent people getting worried because I am worried. Perhaps this nature of mine found its roots during my college days - classmate who was perpetually tensed during exams. I ensured that I did not run into her even accidentally because of conversations like this:

She: "Hey.....did you study Chapter xx? I got a tip that we would be having 40 marks worth questions based on that chapter.

Me: "Oh..... I guess I better get mentally prepared to lose them."

She: "Oh my God..... I don't know how I will clear the exams."

Me: <inaudible sigh>

I didn't know what was worse – listening to my 'concerns' being voiced aloud, or acknowledging that those 'concerns' scared the hell out of me!

There are times I feel I should vent out my feelings during that instant... nip that suffocating feeling, that engulfs me in the aftermath, in the bud. Situation, people......so many factors to tackle at one instant.

However, the flip side of thinking twice about letting your emotions get the better of you is that they sometimes tend to remain locked....frozen.....knocking the walls of your mind begging for a release.... and you simply can't, because you would have lost the voice, will and heart to do the same.

Hope, the universal booster, is no longer alive.

Under such circumstances, what should be done?

Another stab – to allow the trickle of feelings, or drive a stake to bury them deep within?

Destination unknown.........

I did it!


I took one of the most important decisions in my life ....purely on gut instinct.


And while some laugh, let us see who laughs the last :-)!


So many open doors, so many opportunities. And now, while I try to make up my mind, there's something I need you guys to do.....


Wish me luck please.... :-) !

All that glitters....

I did something really different on Saturday – I shopped for jewellery .....for myself.

AS had been pestering me for quite some days to buy suitable ‘accessories’ for this grand (silk) saree which I had bought for her marriage. My first reaction – “Duh.....is it really necessary? Why can’t I coast with what I am wearing right now?” One look from AS and I promptly shut up. Yeah.....why not.....anything to please AS. Aakhir kuch dino ki to mehmaan hain and then, she will be off to Chennai.

So, I set off to Jayanagar 4^th block in search of the shop which she had recommended. One peek at the interiors and I felt like running away – it was filled with women of all sizes and shapes. And ya..... I forgot to mention jewellery.

I think I had such a lost look on my face that one of the attendants immediately left a couple of customers and latched on to me. The next few minutes (or was it hours?) was spent in a dizzying display of necklaces, bangles and ear-rings. I thanked my stars that I had inborn sense of colour co-ordination – otherwise I would have ended up buying half the items in the store :)!

Half-an-hour later, armed with my purchase, I left the store thanking that attendant (well.....he was doing his job right?) with one big smile. “Next week hosa designs barathe. Banni Madam.....noDabahudu.” Ya.....sure.....sometime next year would suit me just fine.

How long had it been since I had shopped for myself in this fashion? Though I was always ready to tag along for such shopping expeditions, I had long ago given up on such “girly stuff”. Hmmm...... is it too late to start now? Naah.....once a tomboy, always a tomboy.......:).

Kya kare...control nahi hota

Dodda: Can you cook?

Me: No

Dodda: Can you sing?

Me: No, I can only croak :) !!

Dodda: What about embroidery, sewing etc?

Me: What about it?

Dodda: Do you know that?

Me: Mom knows that.

Dodda: Humph.......girls these days....now, do you know how to wear a saree?

Me: Ayyo......I can hardly go to work wearing a saree right? It’s too difficult to manage.

Dodda: Ayyo HuDugi..... how do you expect to get married if you do not know all these things?

Me: (grinning gleefully) But Dodda, I can always marry someone who knows how to cook and sew, right? Ya.........I have to think about the saree part.

Dodda looked as if she would throw a fit.......while I was grinning from ear to ear having fun at her expense.

Dodda stands for Doddamma – my Mom’s elder sister - who has come to stay with us for a few days. If there is a better word than old-fashioned, then it would suit her to a tee !

So here I was baiting her for all I was worth when my Mom walked in on to the conversation.

Uh.. oh..

While Dodda took on the role of Vividh Bhaarati, I watched Mom’s expression change from curiosity to concern and finally resignation. I had to stop Maa before she revealed the truth.

“Mom, what are you making for dinner tomorrow?”

Mom did not even pretend to hear me.

“Mom, did I tell you what happened today?”

“But Dodda, she knows all that and much more…....” Mom's plea sounded plaintive to my own ears.

My grin changed into a grimace. Damage done. Sheesh !!

Dodda’s jaw dropped open making her look like a fish gasping for breath. I knew what she was going to state next.

“If that’s the case, why is she not married yet?” the very tone indicating any or all the following:

1. Something is seriously wrong with me.
2. I may be mentally deranged.
3. I have shady past – drugs, a lover or two stashed somewhere.
4. I am so proud and haughty that I do not need a husband to support me.

I watched pain flicker across Mom’s face before she muttered something completely irrelevant and fled to the kitchen.

Damage control needed. Double Sheesh!!

I slipped into the kitchen while she was pottering around.

“Mom, you know all that is not true. Why do you get upset?” I slowly ventured.

Silence.

“Mom, do you hold me responsible for the time you have granted? Do you think that I am guilty?”

Profound silence.

“Mom...... haven’t I given you my consent?”

Finally “No Chitu..... I do not hold you responsible for anything (mental sigh of relief on my part). Right things should happen at the right time and marriage is one of them. It’s just that ......I am tired of hearing all this from almost everybody. Every day. You believe in yourself. We believe you. But they....they do not even try to understand us."

I calmy replied, “Why should they? It’s not their business right? Why do we have to make them understand?”

“Because we live in a society, Chitu. We have an intrinsic need to a part of one. Society respects money, beauty, brains and prestige. Anything abnormal will be shunned upon. And unfortunately, since we do not have all the three in abundance, this has all the makings of one. Remember when you were upset because you were not a part of your college gang? There was nothing wrong with you. Yet..........”

I argued “But Mom, these experiences have made me strong. In choosing my friends, in saying ‘no’ to something/someone I do not like............”

“You are young, Chitu. And mentally capable of facing your peers. But what about us? We are on the other side of the experienced world. And we do not want to go through all this again. Apart from the rest of the world, we have to put up with our own folks’s so-called ‘suspicions’. “ Like Dodda, was left unsaid.

"You are tired of hearing. I am tired of convincing" - I had to stifle these words.

Sigh.....what’s my mistake?

One of the few times I hate being a woman............ Happy Women's Day.

A few faint scars

Thanks to this initiative, this post is about eve-teasing. There have been times when I did wonder whether I would be able to address this issue with as much clarity as it is happening around. I hope that this is a right step taken in this direction....

I was familiar with eve-teasing – and every time I used to ignore the sly whispers or the raucous shouts. Unke koi maa behen hoti nahin hain kya - I stopped wondering about that long back when I realised that for some men, women are nothing more than mere ojbects - that too of the use-and-throw variety.I gyuess it is just a mode of sadistic pleasure for them. "Why should I react?" - was my mode of reasoning! But then, it had not yet taken a turn for worse......

AA and I were in the habit of talking long walks in the evening – something which I miss at times (especially the company). Recalling this incident, I can place the time to somewhere around 7:00 at a deserted road in our area. AA and I were walking along this road in deep discussion about some subject when I noticed a lone cyclist cycling leisurely towards us.

I would not have paid him much attention except for the fact that he brushed a bit too close for our comfort. I yelled back at him. To our shock, he wheeled back and came right at us. Before I could even regret what I had done, he pulled my plait hard (enough to bring tears to my eyes) and vanished. AD and I were too stunned to react. Here we were – two young girls – totally helpless and at a loss as to what to do next. Nothing had prepared us for this eventuality.

Needless to say, we seldom frequented that particular stretch after this incident.

Even after so many years, I still remember the sense of guilt - it was my reaction which involved AA in this mess right - and the sense of loathing - how could I allow this to happen?

But there are times, while walking across this stretch, that I wonder – what if I had remained silent, what if he had done something more than just pulling my hair? Would I have remained a mute spectator to the events? Where should I draw the line? And at whose risk?

Never (again) would I pray for a repeat just to seek these answers......

But still some questions remain - react to, respond to or ignore eve-teasing?