I am the ultimate 'flee'er from confrontations.
I may have all the right reasons to defend myself, but most times, I let the person accuse me to the fullest, not even attempting to defend myself. It's similar to having a one-sided conversation… in this case, an accusation. One reason of not responding/reacting is to allow the people to vent the venom plaguing them inside. Another staid thought is that they are incapable of listening to any reasoning, however sound, during such emotional outbursts. Besides, any conversation hits home only when the participants are relaxed without being uptight and jumpy. In short, hysterically emotional (wow… did I actually coin that?)! My motto - stay away lest you get burnt (to a crisp!). The few times I let lose my feelings, I feel drained...... irritated with myself for losing my highly-prized control.
Sounds cool? Now you must be thinking what a control freak I am :-). True.....I do admit the fact (phew….finally!). However, my sense of control asserts itself not because I want things (or people) moulded to my liking, but more to prevent people getting worried because I am worried. Perhaps this nature of mine found its roots during my college days - classmate who was perpetually tensed during exams. I ensured that I did not run into her even accidentally because of conversations like this:
She: "Hey.....did you study Chapter xx? I got a tip that we would be having 40 marks worth questions based on that chapter.
Me: "Oh..... I guess I better get mentally prepared to lose them."
She: "Oh my God..... I don't know how I will clear the exams."
Me: <inaudible sigh>
I didn't know what was worse – listening to my 'concerns' being voiced aloud, or acknowledging that those 'concerns' scared the hell out of me!
There are times I feel I should vent out my feelings during that instant... nip that suffocating feeling, that engulfs me in the aftermath, in the bud. Situation, people......so many factors to tackle at one instant.
However, the flip side of thinking twice about letting your emotions get the better of you is that they sometimes tend to remain locked....frozen.....knocking the walls of your mind begging for a release.... and you simply can't, because you would have lost the voice, will and heart to do the same.
Hope, the universal booster, is no longer alive.
Under such circumstances, what should be done?
Another stab – to allow the trickle of feelings, or drive a stake to bury them deep within?