Thursday, March 16, 2006

A different facet of freedom

Gadha had called me the previous night. At 8:30 in the night, I was in my best sleepy mood when I sensed the vibration of my mobile (I dislike intrusive ring-tones). On the top of it, it took some time to get my bearings and recognize his voice. Guess my ‘Neural Network and Fuzzy System’ was creaking around the hinges :) !

It felt really good talking to him after a hiatus of about a year born as a result of a yuxtremely serious miscommunication. He complemented me on my blog. If blushing on the mobile was possible, I did blush at the compliment. Sheesh.....when will I ever learn to accept compliments gracefully?

And today I saw the person who was partly responsible for this hiatus. Right in the morning. Face-to-face. A quick glance in my direction and an escape with hurried steps and downward glance. Wow....this person can feel shame....I was surprised, because I was of the opinion that worms cannot feel emotions comprising ‘shame/guilt’.

I waited for the familiar feeling of loathing to envelop me. Hate, when recognized, has this omnipresent capacity of obliterating all emotions. Strangely, no such thing happened.

With a start I realized that I no longer hated this person. In fact, I no longer cared.

Conversely, this person had made me realize the worth of certain people – those who had pitched in selflessly while I had retreated into a corner from the rest of the world to lick my wounds; who stuck with me even when I was not willing to come out of my deep dark well; who believed in my painful but truthful silence; who understood my effort to smile instead of bawling my guts out.

It was a very painful phase full of conflicting emotions – a sense of worthlessness, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, of which mistrust emerged the strongest.

Now, no longer did I compare any individual I met with this person.

Now, in spite of this particular phase of my life being the worst (so far), I can put it down as a learning experience.

Now, I can actually laugh about it.

Now, I am free in the truest sense.....and after a long time.


Anonymous said...

congrats! [errr-do i know this person-if so, its been due for some time, now]...
happy for u! :O)

Grandebelf said...

been there, done that. can realise how u feel:)

aa said...

chitra... nice blog! yes... i do agree on the point that u have to learn to accept compliments! :)

chitra said...

Tee hee...thanks !

Hey...nice to know that !

(wry smile)...tanku tanku ! Somehow..compliments and me do not gell well :) :) !!

Anonymous said...


As I surf on the net, nothing is more interestting than reading other people's blogs. I find this intellectual catharsis quite interesting.

Through blogs, one can see the real inner person atleast from a blog perspective or folks without their urban masks.

I am no freak and as normal as they come, though I have been warned by a court not to go within 10 yards or 10 bytes of anyones blogs etc.

After seeing some of your entries, I find that you are a control freak of some sort. Your overwhelming sense of control, I think makes folks hard to understand you. To put it short, folks are like a train engine pulling wagon cars with the mind as the driver. In this case, the driver in your train holds on to the steering wheel tightly with the hands ready at the dials, afraid that a momemtary lapse of grip will result in chaos.

Nothing wrong in this, it just that sometimes its better to let life lead you through........sometimes...................

chitra said...

Tee hee....I am interested in knowing the reasons for your analysis :)!

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