Gadha had called me the previous night. At 8:30 in the night, I was in my best sleepy mood when I sensed the vibration of my mobile (I dislike intrusive ring-tones). On the top of it, it took some time to get my bearings and recognize his voice. Guess my ‘Neural Network and Fuzzy System’ was creaking around the hinges :) !
It felt really good talking to him after a hiatus of about a year born as a result of a yuxtremely serious miscommunication. He complemented me on my blog. If blushing on the mobile was possible, I did blush at the compliment. Sheesh.....when will I ever learn to accept compliments gracefully?
And today I saw the person who was partly responsible for this hiatus. Right in the morning. Face-to-face. A quick glance in my direction and an escape with hurried steps and downward glance. Wow....this person can feel shame....I was surprised, because I was of the opinion that worms cannot feel emotions comprising ‘shame/guilt’.
I waited for the familiar feeling of loathing to envelop me. Hate, when recognized, has this omnipresent capacity of obliterating all emotions. Strangely, no such thing happened.
With a start I realized that I no longer hated this person. In fact, I no longer cared.
Conversely, this person had made me realize the worth of certain people – those who had pitched in selflessly while I had retreated into a corner from the rest of the world to lick my wounds; who stuck with me even when I was not willing to come out of my deep dark well; who believed in my painful but truthful silence; who understood my effort to smile instead of bawling my guts out.
It was a very painful phase full of conflicting emotions – a sense of worthlessness, despair, hopelessness, loneliness, of which mistrust emerged the strongest.
Now, no longer did I compare any individual I met with this person.
Now, in spite of this particular phase of my life being the worst (so far), I can put it down as a learning experience.
Now, I can actually laugh about it.
Now, I am free in the truest sense.....and after a long time.