Thursday, January 12, 2006

It's all about choices

I have always been a good listener. Perhaps it is because of the fact that I never used to speak up for anything or speak out against anything. I still remember when one of my friends casually ‘informed’ me that her boy-friend, who was my batch-mate, wrote me off as a specimen. In spite of the feelings of hurt (inflicted by this 'friend') and rejection, I pondered long and hard about the authenticity of the statement – did spending most of my time in the library, instead of hanging out with ‘friends’ and spending money, make me a specimen? Hmmm......perhaps :) !!

Fast forward to the present, thanks to this ability of mine, I am the agony-aunt to most of my friends, especially guys. For good, bad or worse, I am told all about their family issues, love-affair-gone wrong, broken friendships, office-politics and so on. Perhaps they do like an untrained ear – given only to listening, not much interruption.... and definitely not judgemental.

It’s for this precise reason that one of my friends called me up yesterday – one of our mutual friends was getting married and unfortunately, our Casanova was in love with that dame. With occasional ‘Hmmm’s I heard his ranting over the phone. He could be speaking right next to me – such was the intensity conveyed. But this time, against my mind prompting me, I was not silent.

Me: Does she know this?

X: Actually, I have never told her this. It would be like committing myself to a relationship, you know.

Me: No, I do not know. You like her. You want to marry her. So what’s the problem?

X: True true…. But I do not want to marry right now. It’s too much of a responsibility. I have some ambitions, some goals. I cannot expect her to share those, right? But I cannot expect her to wait either.

Me: Sheesh !

X: Let me explain. It’s like I have to choose between my goals and her. And it will be a very difficult choice for me. Either way, I lose! But in the long term, I think I can cope up with her loss.

Me: (knowing where the conversation was heading) If she were really important, you would not have given up on her, however great the odds. And by saying all this, you are reducing her to some sort of an object.

X was really taken aback. “Hey… I did not expect this from you. Whose side are you on? Mine or hers? And I thought that you were my close friend,” was his plaintive cry.

“Ya…. That’s why I am trying to drive home some much needed sense of direction. You can do whatever you want – it’s your decision, your choice. However do not expect me to nod my head in agreement to everything you say. It reminds me of a senile goat,” was my quip.

My joke, though ill-timed, did break up the tension, and soon, the conversation drifted to other channels.

I could not help wondering as to why he would rather give up the only person he ever loved (if that was love), than letting her know his feelings. Is it because men are insecure in choosing their life-partner? But so are women and in fact, more so. Is it because of the emotional risks involved? Perhaps! But which aspect of life does not involve risks :)? Hmm… or is it because they feel that their independence is curtailed? Well… it works both ways.

But then I felt that I was blaming that guy without any rhyme or reason. Why, even women can prioritize their careers ahead of any commitments?

It's all a matter of choices - given, granted or seized.


Surreal Kid said...

A good post...abt choices that everyone face in life.

When someone dreams of something else, no matter its love, career or anything in this world, there are no choices, just go ahead n get that.

Rk said...

Choice - one of my earlier and good posts. Nothing to with the topic you have though. I too missed the crowd and spent time in library[dont know if I was named too!]. I did and continue to do many things, just to keep myself happy. Very selfish. Dont care about the world. Also noticed that, I too, am a shoulder for heartbroken or otherwise souls. Ears given for listening as you put, I do possess. Not a pride, just an observation.

Vikram said...

//I could not help wondering as to why he would rather give up the only person he ever loved (if that was love), than letting her know his feelings

Only a man will know the responisibility associated with marraige. By saying this, I don't mean the woman doesn't share it. But it would have a psychological impact on the man if he doesn't reach his goals/ambitions before he got married.

Anyway, you write exceptionally well. Keep it coming :)

Anurama said...

Who doesnt have responsibility in life.. the reason your friend has given is just stupid. Marriage never stops you from achieving your goals. Myself and My hubby have achieved most of our goals only after our marriage. Its the mutual support that gives you more strength when you face any difficulty. It is very clear that your friend is not matured enough or worse, he is not sure what he wants out of life.

Khushi said...


chitra said...

-/Surreal Kid
Thanks !!

He he nice post about our 'daily dilemma'. :)

Hmmmmm....can you throw more light on this please? And thanks for the compliment :) !!

He he ... I am not the one to decide it :) :). But you do have a very valid point.

Vikram said...

Ok here's what I think.

When people get married (assuming a heterosexual maraaige here...hehe), the man always gets the burden of it. Why do people always ask the man his salary? Even if the woman is working, when the actual proposal comes through, do they care how much the woman is earning? They just want to make sure the guy has a stable and a high salary. Isn't it always self assumed by these so-called 'elders' that the woman will eventually quit the job? So where does that leave the guy? He has to make sure he has a steady job.

Another thing, if the guy decides to get married to a girl he loves without a job, its always going to haunt him that he didn't have enough security for his woman. I agree in love, you have to go through the troubles and good times together but in the present materialistic world, do you think love can compensate you? Love is good when it happens but its on the opposite end of spectrum of practicallity.

What I meant by "psychological impact" was that it'll always bite him that he was not able to offer care and protection to the woman he loved.

So that's that. And please do NOT mistake this comment. This is in no response to your post. I said all this because you asked me to shed more light on my previous comment. I still think the post was great. I just wanted to get this across.

Phew! my longest comment ever. Sorry about the length. :D.

chitra said...

First point regarding not regarding womens' salary - not quite agree.

Second point about job security - definitely yes :) !!

And yes, I am not mistaking this comment (inspite of your sense of humour). Will get back to you via mail :) :).

Khushi said...

Whoa!!! I thought Vikram has just changed his profile picture to a serious one, now the same applies to his comments too.. :-O

//the man always gets the burden of it.


//Isn't it always self assumed by these so-called 'elders' that the woman will eventually quit the job?


//Love is good when it happens but its on the opposite end of spectrum of practicallity.


I feel one need to strike a balance between BOTH Career and Personal life to acheive something!

chitra said...

He he he ... yen comments. Simply sarcastic !! :) :)

chitra said...

Have to say this -
Some women acutally work, not because they like to, but because they are forced to work. I happen to know quite a few who would rather spend time watching their babies grow rather than coming to work (and enduring their bosses). The standard of living has gone up to such an extent that double-income families is a must :)!

Vikram said...


Hahahahaha...sarcasm and cynicism? bring it on baby, i'm lovin' it. :D

I know you have to strike a balance between career and personal life et al but don't you think it sounds a little too cliched? What happens to a guy who is obsessed with his career and wants to move up the ladder. At the same time, he is willing to settle down with a woman. So would he have to sacrifice his goals/ambitions? The balancing thing looks good on paper with math equations. It doesn't quite translate into reality the same way. Anyway, don't get me wrong re please. If I find someone with whom I can actually discuss some issues, I just don't think twice about spilling my heart out. I try and make sure I don't sound rude and insolent but "anjaane mein agar galti ho gayee ho to maaf kar dena"(hindi movie style..hehe).


Awaiting your email....hmmm...Whoa! :O I got just came through while I was posting this comment. Some coincidence huh?..hehe..

ritzkini said...

me no like introspective like only fun chitra !!!

chitra said...

Zamaane ke saath badalna padta hain macha! However let me assure you that fun(ny) posts are to follow :) !!

Khushi said...

Hello sir,
Awake???.... Midnight alwa???

//So would he have to sacrifice his goals/ambitions?

huh!!! you have to draw the line somewhere right?? Its again the PRIOTITIES you give in life. If its just moving up the ladder, you can go on and on, there will be lots of blonde's wanting to marry a rich buddha(hindi buddha) and then you can settle down in your personal life, or else the other way round too, without a job you marry someone if you feel your personal life is so damn impt and come down to the streets..

// It doesn't quite translate into reality the same way.

I really dont think so :-|

//Anyway, don't get me wrong re please.

NO re ;-)
(ha ha ha ha, that sounded damn cute :) )

//"anjaane mein agar galti ho gayee ho to maaf kar dena"

aiii haiiiiiiiii, ye sun ne se pehle mere kaan kyon nahi phat gayeeee ;-)

Vikram said...

//Hello sir,
Awake???.... Midnight alwa???

Me sleep waaaayyyyy past midnight. I still have to go on my usual prowl of sandwiches and cookies..hehe..:D..

Yeah, priorities....finally it comes down to that...every coin has a flip side to it..we can go on and on Khushi but Chitra is just being patient enough to host us on her blog...i can almost see her running towards us with a cane in her driving us away..:D...

//aiii haiiiiiiiii, ye sun ne se pehle mere kaan kyon nahi phat gayeeee ;-)

yeah right...chullu bhar paani mein jaake nahao..hehe...

Vikram said...

i meant... can almost see her running towards us with a cane in her hand driving us away..:D...

typo...adjust maadi..

chitra said...

-/Vikram -/Khushi
He he he ... me follower of ahimsa. So, lage rahon. No problem :) :)!

Khushi said...

okey, PEACE!!!
No, more arguments..

//yeah right...chullu bhar paani mein jaake nahao..hehe...


Happy Sankranti! have a gr8 wkend :)

chitra said...

He he .. tanku and wish you the same. Sighhh...... weekend :) :) !!