And they lived happily ever after (?)

There was a time when the man was the sole bread-winner of the family and the woman, in a parallel role, was in charge of the household. There existed a harmonious relationship between the genders with the male not interfering with the matters concerned with the ladies, and vice versa. The family balance and integrity was maintained via amiable discussions and consultations.

And then a revolution was heralded in the form of education. And with slogans of equality ringing around every corner of the street, the girl was considered no less equal to a boy in all respects. The girl was provided the right to lead her life the way she wanted to.

The then woman has evolved into today’s woman – confident, smart and almost in charge of her life. Except in one aspect – marriage.

In today’s much-desired, much touted, high-flying lifestyle, who does not wish their wife to be working? If possessions like a site, a flat, a flashy car, an off-the-rack music system find their way to the personal to-be-achieved list of common man, would it be possible with a lone person toiling away all his life to a supposedly paltry sum of 10 lakhs per annum? Perhaps in around ten years. Perhaps not given the make-it-snappy mantra.

The day begins at around 7:30 a.m. with commuting to work. If you stay near to your office, you are saved. Else, traffic snarls, long journeys would just be another addition to your routine life. Time at work is all consuming with issues, client meetings, meeting deadlines, and surviving politics. Hey…. It is all a part of work right? Next in the list is the journey home. Another dose of traffic and road rage. When you reach home, frazzled and worn-out like a limp doll, all you desire is a hot meal and a warm bed. And that’s where the similarity ends. For a woman, another aspect of personal life just begins with her cooking, cleaning and household chores. Throw in a couple of kids and a demanding husband, the picture is complete.

I personally know a seven-figure-salary-earning lady who wants to quit her job to take care of her kid. She laments that it is hard to get out of the commitments she’s been pushed into. A huge chunk of her salary goes into repaying a home loan. Another part is allocated towards her husband’s sister’s marriage. Yet another part goes towards the beautiful wood-work of their house and their modular kitchen. With all this, she does not get to spend anything on herself, not even Rs. 500. It is ‘family commitments’ all the way!

Another complains that she hardly gets to spend time with her seven month baby. Though in favour of extending her maternity leave, she had to go back to work leaving behind her bawling three-month old because she could not afford to stay even another unpaid month!

Yet another confides that she is no close getting her long-awaited promotion because she is not able to put in the required number of hours at work, which amounts to around ten hours a day depending on the work outsourced by clients in US, including weekends. Why? Because she is seven months pregnant.

You would think that with all this, guys prefer a girl who would stay at home and look after the kids, right? Wrong! Because of the following reasons: the liberated woman wants to prove her worth by pursuing a career of her choice sans family commitments, what’s-the-use-of-your-education-if-you-do-not-work line of thought, and guys themselves prefer working-girls who would be able to amply contribute to the family kitty. Another opportunity at multi-tasking, but not without family-support (and motivation).

So.........where’s the choice?

With assertiveness and personal ambitions spearheading today's woman, however underestimated she is, here's hoping that she emerges strong and independent, juggling jobs with the much-desired support system in place. And, as I look around, I realize that at least a few are lucky enough to have the latter, undoubtedly the key factor.

Wish you all happy Woman's day :-).......!

Swalpa ask maaDi.........

Billing queues happen to be the most boring places to kill time (unless you are standing behind a very handsome guy, or better, between two :-)…. ). If I had a book, I would have begun reading it. But alas, I don’t carry books for next-door shopping, only long-term waiting :-).

So yesterday found me at the fag end of a looooonnggg queue at a local shopping mall, looking lost and not to mention, exceedingly hungry! I was in a hurry to get my purchases billed and rush home to gorge on scrumptious bisi-beLe bath which Amma had prepared. There I was, impatient, shifting from one foot to another, looking all around when my attention was caught by a kid in front of the queue. We shared the same kind of restlessness and impatience to get things done and over with :-)! As I didn’t have anything important other than to wait (and kill time), I concentrated on her chatter – she had such a sweet, lilting voice that it was a wonder how I missed it in the first place (perhaps hunger obliterates all capacities and that includes the power to observe!).

Talking nineteen-to-dozen, she seemed to be so full of chirpiness that it was hard not be buoyed out of the (self-imposed) irritation that I had sunk into. “Mama, why do you need this?” fingering a perfume; “Mama, can you get me that star?” pointing to one shining in the night sky. “Mama, why do animals have tail?” fingering her toy leopard cub :-)….so on and so forth. Her Mom, while balancing the huge parcels and at the same time keeping a close watch on the queue, patiently answered her questions with a smile without getting annoyed.

The people in the queue were amused by the scene and tolerant towards the little bundle of energy. But there was this guy was so very annoyed by the childish prattle that she cut in sharply on one of the questions put forth by the child. Immediately, the child fell silent and, much to my dismay did not open her mouth for the rest of the waiting time, silently sneaking glances at this Hitler! I almost walloped him on the skull...! How obtuse can a person get??

There’s this universal stigma attached to asking questions: Don’t ask unless you are asked to! Why? One of my primary school teachers (in an effort to make me more interactive because back then I was a very shy kid :-)……) always used to encourage me stating that no question was foolish. And I like to add - only the people to whom it is addressed are! At one end we are prompted to ask questions and at the other, berated for asking them aloud ("Don't you even know the answer to this?"). Humph! What kind of hypocrisy is this?

I have always felt that if you need to know anything, you need to ask. The manner in which you frame your questions is entirely yours - sometimes guided and sometime self-taught. Ask questions to satisfy your curiosity, to make use of someone’s expertise, to make headway in a conversation, to know your mistakes, to grow as an individual. The very act of asking does not relegate you to the status of ‘dumb’ or make gaping holes in your ego! But yes, the ‘right’ kind of questions draws the desired results.

No one is born intelligent. But by dint of questioning (and searching for the answers), one can surely aim for a better perspective towards the future.

My cents about marriage

I am lucky enough to be born to parents who have groomed me to be self-sufficient by providing me good education. However, there are times when I do feel that being a girl is a burden because of some situations I put them through.

Being single has its repercussions. I have nosy ‘well-wishers’ who wonder aloud as to why I am not yet married. Considering that I am still quite some years away from the dead-end figure of thirty, I wonder why this has become a hotly-discussed topic. To make matters worse, there have been allusions about the existence of (one or more) boyfriend(s) as well! Geez…..! The depth to which nosy-parkers can sink to!

I happened to be at home when my Mom was in the process of calling up a prospective groom. The call was received by the guy’s Mother. After dispensing with the required preliminaries, my Mom was at the receiving end of a barrage of questions which included the likes of “Is your daughter fair?” to which my Mom (smartly) replied that every child looks the best to its parents. This was followed by an enquiry if I had a H1 visa. I was wondering what does H1 visa have to do with marriage when she answered that her son apparently prefers a girl who is eligible to work ‘as soon as possible’ abroad! Hah ! It is not just ladies who are choosy these days!

I am at a juncture of life where I am quite sure about my priorities and my aspirations. I may not be drop-dead beautiful. Or even remotely cute (a key aspect of finding a good husband even if you do not have brains :)...) ! But hey, I am smart, frank and quite likable (a revelation to me indeed :-)......). I am bereft of pretence. I am a voracious reader. I maintain a blog. I have a yen for photography, music and colours. I have good dressing sense. I do not have to apologize for knowing better English than your average Joe. Or for being interested in photography. Or for being able to handle a DSLR better than most ladies. Or, in short, for knowing my mind. And this , I gather, is enough to set the warning bells (of insecurity) clanging among the males? Baah !

I still remember that one of the most back-handed comments I had received regarding my photos was that since it has been captured using an expensive camera it is bound to come out good! How chauvinistic! Is that supposed to put me ‘in place’? For crying aloud, that 'expensive' camera cost me nearly five months' salary, something which I scrimped, scrounged and saved to buy!

I have taken all the major decisions in my life so far. And I have learnt to be responsible for them. There have been some which I have not taken because it is not dependent on me alone. There have been times I do feel the lack of a guide….. or a father-figure. There have been indeterminate delays in taking major decisions because I would have needed time for a research. But hey, I have made mistakes and learnt from them. I am lucky enough to have good friends. However, if there’s one thing that I have learnt the hard way, it is to not be submissive! And unfortunately, that’s exactly the aspect which is perceived as a threat by men (and their Moms).

Phew ! Getting married is no easy job ..........and I am finding it the hard way :-| ! Let me appease myself at least in this way......

:-D :-D !!

Addendums:

1. When I was young (as if I am old now!), I used to think of marriage as something particular to the individuals involved. However, as I see my parents go through the motion of searching for a suitable groom, I am forced to backtrack into thinking that marriage is not just between two individuals but between two disparate families as well. Without mutual respect between the families involved, I am pretty sure that the couple in question would not have a hunky-dory life to lead, unless the spouse is taken into account as an individual.....and this is an art perfected by the minority of mature people.

2. Any relationship would involve compromise, as I was discussing with a friend from Delhi. So does marriage. What differs is the level of compromise, and whether some can actually be termed as 'compromise'. As I was discussing with her, what's wrong in flagging off this relationship as friends and gradually progressing to higher levels of relationship? Am I being very naive in presuming thus (after all, a compromise is a compromise, with or without friendship) ?

Temptation.....sigh !

Let me start off on a philosophical note.


We have to go through rough times to appreciate the good times.


This explanation would very well hold good for what I am feeling now - resisting the temptation to eat what I loooouuurrvve because it would prove slow the progress of healing!


Let me explain. ......


I have been diagnosed with bronchitis, albeit the allergic variety. What started as a routine matter of cold and cough progressed to uncontrollable fits of whooping cough. The intensity was such that I spent hours rubbing my sore sides :-|! To cut a long story short, a visit to the doctor and an hour's admonition by Amma (which included the likes of "Thank God it did not happen when you were away") I was coerced (blackmail is too strong a term!) into the worst. A diet! And what a diet ! No curds, no oily items and no fruits as well. Well..... as it it leaves any choice(s) for me ! Harrumph !!


A few 'tight' situations:


Aunt: Yenamma? It has been more than a month since you have come back. Come home this evening. I will make baaLekaayi baaji !
Me: What? Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaan !!


A friend of mine, having returned from a trip abroad, availed the (in)valuable services of (good ol') moi to help her decide her breakfast. One look at the menu and there was a great danger of me slipping on my drool! All that food.......nice oily crisp curling tasty golden brown dosas! Sighhhhhhhhhhh! And to see my friend devouring a special ghee plain dosa blissfully was like adding insult to injury! Bah!


Thoroughly disgusted with life (after all, I am being separated from what I love most in my life - food), I arrived home only to find Amma had made hot tasty gulab jamuns! Round, golden-brown, dripping with sugar syrup! Ohmigawd!


To top it off, a friend calls me to discuss the (ever) famous baaLekaayi dose recipe, something which requires oodles of oil! Aaaaaarrgggh....... the injustice of life!


And sites like this only make me go delirious with hunger... and now frustration!


When.......I pray, when will this agony end? Life can be soooooo unfair !

It's been a long day

Wake up early to get into the 'mood' of things


Question my existence


Skip breakfast because of sheer dejection


Try newer routes to work without even hoping to get lost; sense of direction too good for anything as foolhardy as getting lost


Pet all the stray cats enroute (somehow, I manage to find quite a few)


A big cup of 'masala' tea (with steamed milk, I should specifically add) to last me through half the morning at least


Question my existence again.....


Ponder about blog-topics during the (zzzzzzzz) afternoon


Wonder about the anomalies of life and its effects on me


Manage to get some work done in between deep thoughtful pauses


Rush to the nearby Italian joint for my weekly quota of veggie burgers (slurp!)


Munch it all along the way back home (a good way of measuring whether it's grown small in size since I last ate it)


No more questioning my existence since the objective's been satisfied....burp! (referring to my hunger here)


Click some snaps of hunset from N&H's room.


Try to get mentally prepared for the ordeal to be faced the next day


The things I do to get rid of Monday morning blues.........sigh!

Pearls of wisdom...? Not quite

How do you irritiate a fun-loving, intelligent, smart, multi-talented, mature, sometimes-cute-sometimes-irritiating-sometimes-naughty-sometimes-serious, passionate foodie?


Prevent her from enjoying food, of course.....


.....by the means of 'sprouting' wisdom teeth.....


....not one...but on both sides :-|!


Sigh.......I miss food :-|......

Is it friendship?

I am confused.


I am confused with the extent of liberties that could be taken in friendship.


I am confused as to the height (or is it depth?) of expectations that lie in friendship.


I am confused as to the freedom of communication in a friendship.


I am confused as to the strength of emotions in a friendship.


I am confused with respect to possessiveness in a friendship.


I am confused...... I truly am.


I was under the impression that friendship doesn’t have timelines or time zones.


Apparently not......


Another myth shattered...... and another shell hardened.

Emotions overfloweth...

I am famous.......

I truly am......

I met nearly four people whom knew me from school, three juniors and one batch-mate, and all of them revealed that hey remembered me because of my smile.

Wow! Crooked teeth et all.....:-)!

At a time when my tear-glands are working overdrive, this comes as a welcome news to my ears. Just last weekend I was crying my heart out on watching Anand. Geez...... I have never been this sentimental before. Indeed, when I had watched Anand eons back, it was the same serious expression and loneliness keeping me company. But still, when I hadn’t felt even an iota of emotion strong enough to make me cry.

So, why now?

B would have surely said, “Finally a chink’s developed enough to let the tears out.”

But it’s official – it’s dangerous to control your tears lest they leak out.....and I mean leak out at some unforeseen situation! Bah....bad timing for any show of emotion...and embarassing as hell!

So much to do...so less time

A new project – so new that I am flapping like a fish on land for air. Got to ramp up at a feverish pace I say!

On a personal note, quite a few people I’ve known giving me the brush-off. Intentional or non-intentional, it hurts.....it hurts like hell. Let me see how long I can forgive them. But once my endurance is up, it’s the distance factor. Sigh...... I hate re-runs especially in (my) real-life rather than reel-life.

I am suffering from one serious ailment – a dented pride! Either I am too full of it....or I am getting too soft! Either ways, it’s bad for my health and I have to find some quick means of recovery.

The silver lining in the cloud - I really do not have time to indulge in self-pity :-)!

What's my mistake?

“I have had men who never make eye-contact – their gaze is fixed somewhere just below your neck. What am I supposed to do when I have to deal with such men professionally?”

“Men board crowded bus just with the intention of having fun and getting away scot-free because in that crowd, there’s very less chance of being caught.”

“Sometimes, you are simply caught unawares. Before you realize what’s happened, he would have brushed against/grabbed your breasts/crotch and fled.”

“I perfer to die rather than face the society.It's not only me but my family as well facing intense humiliation. Is it my fault that I was beautiful? And I was wearing a salwaar-kameez... it was not as if I was indecently dressed.....”

More here at Blank Noise Project.

A moment of voyeuristic pleasure......and a life-time of scars for the victim. Talking, sharing do helps. But how many women, especially victims of heinous crimes such as rape, can overcome that trauma without support? And such men can be as amoral as to target children! Oh......the level up to which ‘intelligent’ human beings have sunk to. Deplorable!

To statements like “I understand......I too have a sister/ wife”, I would like to state – no Gentlemen. You simply don’t understand. You don’t. Just having a sister or a wife does not make understand. It’s very difficult to ‘understand’ that humiliation, that shame that we feel, unless you feel them yourself. And that can happen when you have understood that person. At this point, all we need is your unconditional support. And how many of you can render that?

Every day is such a challenge for women. To work in a harassment-free environment, to travel unmolested, to avoid gender hassles. Oh......I never suspected it’s a Man’s world.

One whole year since this. And yet no action......

Justice delayed is justice denied.........

Gift galbali

“AT is leaving our team next week. Can you buy an appropriate farewell gift for him? Here’s my contribution.”

This was my PL who was at my desk after lunch. And it seemed more like a command than a request.....

My reaction: No way! But hey, I am not supposed to say that – would have been very unprofessional (sigh).

Under normal circumstances, I would not have been dragged into this shopping/gifting exercise if not for the absence of the only other lady member of the team. AR was expected back after a week. And I was expected to take up most of her duties including this one. Sheesh !!

Wondering what’s so bad about this? Let me explain...

I do not buy a gift just for the heck of it. I shop for a gift if and only if the following two conditions are satisfied:

1. I know that person.
2. I should feel like buying a gift for that person.

And generally, both these conditions are satisfied with regard to people whom I like/admire/feel very comfortable with/most importantly share a certain chemistry with (needless to say that includes my friends as well).....and no-one else. And it goes without saying that I spend some finite amount time.....and energy.....in this activity :) !! Like I spent a couple of days ruminating as to what to gift AA for her wedding. Finally decided on a pearl set.....an original one. [Pssst.....I loved it the moment I set my sight on it. Wellllll.....have to ask her if she uses it or not].

Now, being only two months old in this new project, I did not know AT that well. So, I really tore my (lovely?) hair out trying to figure what (on the earth) to buy as a gift for him.

Thanks to some confusion while purchasing the tickets for Ice Age 2, I ended up being at the cinema hall at least an hour before schedule. So, nuggified into Landmark to check out for some suitable gifts. I think I spend around half-an-hour simply roaming around the place trying to find one single suitable gift. A laptop bag – whoa.....only Rs. 5000 – over the budget. A desktop item in crystal – er.....too gaudy. And thus ran the mental checklist......

I was about to give up in resignation when I spied a beautiful stained glass lamp at one corner. On closer inspection, it was intricately done and very chic. Put in a bulb and voila....the effect was simply marvelous with colourful images of the design adorning the wall !! Auuuunnnddddd....just within budget :)! Yipppeeeeeeeee.....my happiness knew no bounds...talebisi gone....gift sikkthu!!

Now all that I am waiting for is the response/reaction/rejection – I wonder if AT would like it. Will come to know this Friday. Till then, I am keeping my fingers crossed....:).

Pay dirt.....

After a long time (indeed), I attended a session on a techy topic. And I was not disappointed. I have to confess that I sink into a stupor 10 min into the session if it’s not interesting enough – one of the demerits of having “grown-up” is becoming very choosy, and that includes what to listen to as well :). The guy who undertook the session was not only knowledgeable but also skilled in communicating his ideas and concepts. True, he did not stick to the guidelines mentioned but he made the session more interesting with this enthusiasm. It was evident that he enjoyed what he indulged in.

What irritated me was the condescending attitude of some participants. Even though the instructor was skilled enough, apparently his command over English was not that good. His accent was laced with MTI – Mother Tongue Influence – and he got mixed up with his tenses. So what? The moot point was – he managed to communicate.....he still managed to deliver.

But apparently, it was not enough for thse narrow-minded people who made it a point to sneer whenever they encountered a fault in his speech. So much for being “educated” and “broad-minded”.....sigh. Kudos to the instructor who managed to ignore them .......

What if one’s English is not good? What if one’s sense of dressing is a bit gaudy? What if one’s gauche enough to blurt out some personal details? Should these details stop you from getting to know that individual better?

There may be gold beneath the grime.....you may never know if you are not curious enough to dig.

A lett...err mail to CM

CM had told me once that talking about things really helps. And yesterday it was proved right (three cheers for CM :) )!

I do not know what made me blurt out to CM (of all people) that particular phone conversation involving a lot of India-bashing. Yuck ! Never knew that such morons existed in this part of the world. Left me with a very bad taste in my mouth.

Till the end of this week,CM, and perhaps a few days after that, you will have the perfect excuse not to call me. But do call after that, okay? Someday, I will certainly sit and analyse why I expect so much from you. But for now, I have certain other important things to attend to. In case you do suffer from a temporary memory loss, I will always be glad to remind you of a lady who had an yuxtremely good memory :).

Anyway, CM, sorry that you had to be an unwilling participant in this exercise. I know that your 'politeness' did not allow you to cut the call. In case, all my bad-mouthing (of the moron, of course) resulted in blisters on your tender ears, I can always offer Burnol (or cold water).

As usual, bas haan ya naa kaafi hain :) !

Ladylike.... grrrrr

There are some characteristics that are simply not applicable to guys. Like grace, modesty, honesty…... hyuck hyuck…. okay, me just joking. So, all those guys who had taken up the cudgels against me, you can let it fall to the floor. THUNK !!

But it’s true – there are some characteristics that so typically belong to either a ‘he’ or ‘she’. Such as macho – male, chauvinistic – again male, petite – female… and so on.

I always thought that squeamishness belonged to the ladies. Few samples:

“Oooohhhhhhhhh….. I hate cockroaches. Those creepy-crawly creatures make me go ugggggggghhhh.”

“Yuck….I do not think that this hotel is good. Look at the table-clothe – how dirty it is.”

“How can you go trekking? All that rough terrain. It makes me sooooooooo tired.”

And the list goes on.....

So my belief regarding squeamishness as a woman’s distinctive feature was as firm as a wall until it was knocked down by Var.

Var is my cube-mate, the most junior member of the team and yet the only one who’s married :). He’s opinionated about everything under the sun. However he’s very easy to get along with – no airs and certainly, no formality. He has one drawback though– sometimes he behaves exactly like ladies.

Picture this situation:

We have been plagued by ants for the past couple of days. Most of the times, we find them harmless and scurrying across the desk for food crumbs. But no…not Var. The moment he sets his sight on some ant, his ranting starts – “These ants…. why on the earth do they come?(???) Don’t they have any better work to do? They get into clothes and make life hell.” I got so tired of his wails that I silenced him one day like this – “Poor ant, it must have been so frustrated with life to set sights on you and thus commit suicide.” Var, as usual, did not get the import immediately. But ya….. his bickering did stop. Thanks to sarcastic me :) !!

I am a sucker for conserving electricity. We are lucky to have a cube facing a window. While I open the drapes, Var closes them and switches on the tube-lights.

“It’s sooooo sunny. How can you work, Chitra?”

And I respond “Why don’t you make use of that Sun-Screen Lotion stashed in your unit? BTW, I thought only ladies used it.”

The glare of this artificial light on a nice, sunny, pleasant day irritates me a lot. And an argument begins…. and goes on and on until Tu and Roh butt in. Nowadays, we are following the “Treaty of GPS Cube” (GPS being the name of our team). Mornings full of sun-shine and evenings full of tube-lights. So… dono party khush !!

Oh ya….. his unit is a small-scale facilities department – he has every imaginable knick-knack like plain sheets, books, pencils, pens, files, markers, a Lakme Conditioner (I sneaked a look), a sun-screen lotion, a nail-cutter, an antiseptic, bundle of handkerchiefs, several ties, an alarm clock, his lunch-dabba ……oooppph let me catch my breath.

And he thought that I was squeamish!! Me…. a reformed tomboy?? Sheesh !!