Down the memory lane......

One of the travails and tribulations of growing up as homo sapiens is keeping track of the innumerable email ids. I have progressed to different email providers over the years and as a result, keeping track of my older emails is a herculean task. There have been instances where I've forgotten that I had an email on a particular account and I open my email to belatedly realize a ton of messages from friends. From the lack of my replies, I am sure that they must be of the impression that 1. I am too busy to reply (which is not the case since I can spare time for all my good friends), 2. I no longer consider them my friends (I have few friends I consider close and not keeping in touch with them is not an option :-)..)

Today was one such occasion when I had a lot of time on my hands (read.... I was prevaricating). I opened my one of my less frequently checked email-accounts and found a ton of junk mail. Nothing new. As I dug further, I came across a few exchanges among a couple of my friends. Precious gold nuggets. As I opened and read each of them, a sense of wonder filled me and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. Some serious, some humorous, some lamenting, some cheerful, some even cribbing, but every single email had a strong current of humor and genuineness running through it (wow.... I must have been an electrical engineer hoda janma to think of such a beautiful analogy :P).  Was this gregarious individual truly me? 

As to the people who mailed me, these included close friends from work, from childhood, from blog and even from my bus! These were people who stood witness to my most happiest and depressing moments, and spared some time to reach out to me....to let me know that I was not alone. Now I have their emails - some inspiring words, some memorable photos - as fond memories as the time I was relatively younger, relatively happier and relatively care-free. 

Now, I have all the tools of modern times to help me keep in touch with my friends. A FB account. A smartphone. Skype/Google+ chat. The only difference is that the familiar friends are missing, having been caught up with life, work and family (not necessarily in that order). Do I miss them? Hell yeah! But, there's someone I miss more - moi. 

And thus, I complain!

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So....I lost my smartphone. Bummer!

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People....thou are God

I know I know! I've been away too long. And that's because, I found an easier way to express - well... I speak out :-)!

Jokes apart, the following is a topic that's been in my mind for quite some time, and (wonder of wonders), a pet peeve, something which PA has been nagging all along since....hmmm....hmmm...for almost two years now! Auuunnnnd the topic is - I don't hang out with people. I don't call up people. I don't interact with people. Given a book (and a laptop with Internet), I prefer to be by myself. Why? Given this soul-searching nature of the question, I had to dug into my depths of my memory to come up with a suitable explanation. I was such friendly soul in the past. But now, I've become such a notoriously selective person, so much that I prefer being alone rather than being with people who are a pain to be with. It's not that I don't hang out with friends. It's just that.... I like being alone. But then again, I like being alone. To the point of secluding myself. So..... what made me such an introvert? PA, this post is for you (and all those people who've foolishly ventured out to pop this question to me), and the whole world is out to witness my explanation....and my wrath.

• Expl 1: I was nerd. A geek. During my college days, my geekiness (and gawkiness) was predominant in the way I dressed (ack....was it me?), spoke, and I guess, every aspect of my character. And I only came to know of this 'little thing' when the boyfriend of my friend (who's no longer a friend) revealed this truly revealing thought- "She is such a specimen." Ahem....ladies and gentlemen (I hope), that 'she' is none other than yours truly and imagine the distress she felt when she was addressed a specimen! (Not good for her image at all!). And to think that I actually cried over it! All names under the sun....to me!

• Expl 2: Thanks to my.... err...'image', I was shunned by most of my collegians. Hence, the uppermost feeling during those days was a craving for acceptance. By peers. By friends. But most were too smart for their age: here I was, the loner who dressed badly. Imagine what would happen to your image if you hang out with me, this....this geeky specimen (hah!). The implications were too scary to imagine....... I guess. Between a geek and your friends, whom would you choose? Geek lost round 2 , and was condemned to remain alone for the rest of her term.

• Expl 3: Public image is a very powerful thing. And more than the individual, this image is more or less fueled by the society, by people talking behind your back. And the more 'powerful' and 'influential' they are, the more you are screwed! Even if I was a friendly albeit badly dressed, geeky soul, people were simply not ready to 'invest' their time, energy and emotion in me because......I was simply not worth it. Most of the times, I was excluded out of that 'elite' group of people invited to a party, get-together, a trek simply because I wasn't accepted by the rule-makers of that group. Or somebody had an axe to grind with me. And even though I was apparently a your friendly neighborhood girl to hang out with alone, the helpful classmate who lends her notes to you, the kind girl who listens to your cribs about life (and boys), I .....was not 'classy' enough to be invited to your party.

I learnt one of the most important lessons in my life - it's easier to simply venture out and identify your friends rather than penetrate a judgmental clique. Nobody has the guts to speak up for you since they themselves want to be accepted (this is the best explanation I could come up with). If there's something called hope, you'll find people who accept you, and even if that number's pretty small compared to the phenomenal number of the 'accepted' group, you'll be happy being yourself with the former.

Past is history. But sometimes, history has a weird way of repeating itself. And I am very averse to be caught in that loop. I give too much credit....to myself! I am smart. Talented. I write well. I can express my thoughts fluently. I dress well. I look...and feel good. I am on my way to pursue my career ambitions. I am loved and accepted by all those who matter most in my life. The prejudiced rest are simply not worth my time.

And this, my friends, remains the fundamental truth of my life.

A 'timely' gift

As a youngster, the only days I paid some attention to was my friends’ birthdays, and even though I was pretty hopeless in remembering the exact dates, I never passed up the opportunity of presenting them with a greeting card and a hand-made one at that! Most of the ideas I made use of were from store-bought cards, presented to me by my friends. Some had glittery designs, some vibrant colors, while others had a colorful appendage which spread out when one opened the card.



Call me old-fashioned, but however imperfect it may be, there’s something heart-warming about a hand-made gift. A greeting card, a note, a cake, a cassette ooops….now it’s a CD containing favourite songs, a hand-painted garment, beaded bracelets…..you name it! Each occasion was marked with a sense of surprise and wonder; surprise because someone remembered that special day, and wonder because the person attempted to give me something which he/she made with some effort, keeping my likes and dislikes in mind, and with the obvious intention to please. Makes one feel special and cherished indeed :-)!



With the passage and lack of time, I succumbed to the pressure and thus, store-bought gifts preceded the hand-made ones. Even with that, I used to scout stores to find something suitable. And I would undertake this ‘expedition’ only when I was interested enough. Else I would ditch going to any b’day party altogether – feigning you-are-my-bestest-friend wasn’t my forte. This was on the ‘giving’ side. On the receiving side, I received some thoughtful gifts. Some included books (my favorite gift of all :-)), while others included personal knick-knacks. On one occasion, one of my friends had bought a lunch-dabba filled with lip-smacking North-Indian snacks. What more could I have wanted! That was one memorable b’day (burp!).



Most of my friends now have married, had kids, and are generally busy with their careers and lives. Though I miss them a lot, I am in touch with them through mails and sometimes calls. We hardly live in the same city, let alone same country to visit and exchange gifts on occasions of b’day or anniversaries. However, these small reminders are all the wishes/gifts I can afford to have. And it cheers me up immensely that they (unlike me) can remember :-).

First things first.....

I had a pretty sheltered upbringing until I joined work. And even then, it was routine life with home, work and weekends :P. Until Edinburgh happened. My first on-site trip was to this city in Scotland, UK. And first things are hard to forget....similar to first love :-)!


I had worked hard for this trip, and was mentally prepared to be away from my family for a couple of months. But nothing could have prepared me for the desolation and self-doubt that plagued me initially. Here I was, all alone, in this foreign land, with no friends (no followers either :-)...), and no one to guide me. And the introvert that I was, I was a bit slow in getting along with my room-mates, LH and BN (the latter replaced later by CN). Since the girls knew each other for a relatively longer period, it was but natural that they bonded together very well. And I, being the fifth wheel (and an older one at that) felt out of sorts, disoriented, home-sick and work-pressurized.


The first week in Edinburgh was a revelation of sorts - never had I encountered a city with a weather as variable as this! As soon as I stepped off the plane, I was hit by an icy blast of cold wind; it was February. My thick jacket was no match for the icy droughts of wind and soon I was shivering lightly. It was only later that one of my (UK) colleagues advised me keep my ears and neck warm - that was the mantra to ward of cold. Pretty soon, thermals, sweater, jacket, topi and a muffler became part of my daily ensemble to anywhere outside our apartment. NB promptly let me know that I looked like a watchman with all that padding!


The intital feeling was homesickness was soon replaced by a sense of adventure and enthusiasm as I started discovering the city. Because of its historic significance, Edinburgh had quite a few tourist attractions. But first, I familiarized myself with the surroundings of my apartment - each street initially looked the same to me. But then again, it was fun getting lost and discovering new routes (as long as I was not hungry!). I roamed the streets, discovering and re-discovering, and reveled in the feeling of independence that any earning, independent woman develops when she's on her own.


It was in Edinburgh that I discovered quite a few things about myself - my through inability to stand the cold weather, my inclination towards bright clothes (sweaters, tops, mufflers, you name it!), my (very fierce) sense of independence, my ability to cook (ahem.....strictly based on the opinion of my room-mates), the travel freak within me, my passion for photography, my sense of adventure, my likes, my dislikes, my social skills (or the lack of it), my learning curve, my professionalism, and my ability to anticipate. I discovered that I was not shy (as I had originally assumed), just an introvert, very much liking to be by myself rather than any forced company. And the latter trait remains pretty much the same till date :-)!


This trip holds a very special place in my heart because it was a major turning point in my life.....one which changed the very outlook of the way I envisaged my future. It opened a door into a world which I had never imagined to be a part of. Thanks to the experience, I developed a sense of direction and a hunch to explore the same. I came in contact with some wonderful people, who influenced me in more than one ways, and some not so wonderful ones, whom I am better off without :-)! It was an eye-opener in more than one way, both about life and people. I learnt to make some tough decisions and not to regret them. After all, better way could you discover other than traveling and unraveling the maze ;-) ?

"To Sir With love"

When I joined my first job, I still had the school-girlish tendency to expect guidance and spoon-feeding. Very quickly, I was ‘taught’ to expect otherwise. I learnt the hard way to anticipate and keep myself abreast of most things. One had to ask in order to learn. Very rarely did people ‘teach’. Still, a few odd things impressed me – words like “You respect my time and I’ll respect yours” by an instructor to a couple of people late for her class, “It’s those small things which can topple your effort. So make sure you tie up those itsy-bitsy loose ends first before focusing on the bigger issues,” by my very sage instructor who trained me during my first job, “A lazy employee is like a family black sheep” by a former project manager.


It’s startling how I remember most the things taught during my school times. Basic concepts of Geometry and Algebra (no Arithmetic though :-(....), how to write essays, how to make primary, secondary and tertiary colours, photosynthesis, plant and animal cells, staple food of North and South India, so on and so forth. However, the memory of my PU and Engineering days are loaded with blanks. And the conclusion I could draw was – either I was very studious during my school-days or the teachers were very diligent in their job. Considering the fact that I was an above average student (ahem-ahem!), the latter conclusion makes more sense.


Most of school life was interspersed with teachers who make the most boring subjects interesting. I still remember my primary school Science teacher who used to conduct experiments in the class in order to demonstrate a few aspects such as gravity, suction, capillary motion etc. I can still recall the excitement with which we used to await his class, and the effortless pin-drop silence that ensued during his experiments. And he did not even have to raise his voice for that :-)!


Then again, there were teachers who were so encouraging (and understanding) about one’s mistakes (at homework or otherwise), that one could only be compelled to learn from the mistakes and perform better. My English teacher was one such gem of a person who never reprimanded a student in rough language, and treated us as responsible kids rather than ‘simply students who had to be taught a lesson”. And so was my Sanskrit teacher who patiently taught us this completely new language of which we had no clue at all. This explains why I still remember the (dreaded) shabdas in Sanskrit :P!


As I progressed to the upper echelons of education, I encountered teachers who taught only for the sake of teaching, who viewed us merely as ‘undisciplined brutes’ and treated us as such, and who cut us to the core in public by their caustic remarks. I can only ponder about my lack of interest in studies – was I so unmotivated by my teachers so as not to understand the subjects, or was it plain disinterest, or were the subjects themselves too ‘heavy’ to be completely understood? My safest bet is that it’s a combination of all three.


It's been quite some time since I've posted something worthwhile. My apologies to my readers :-)! I've been preoccupied by a variety of tasks, incongruously insignificant, yet occupying quality time and adding up to a huge chunk in my day-to-day life. And every reflection-at-the-end-of-the-day leaves me wondering “What on the earth did I do today?” only to be reminded of the sage words of my instructor – small tasks are indeed preoccupying! Truer words were never remembered this often :-)!

Stuck for posterity

I recently (read as several months ago) caught up with a classmate of mine in school, having literally bumped into her on a shopping spree.



She shouted over the din “You look positively radiant! Huge change since we last met.”



Out of sheer habit, I couldn’t help processing her compliment. Here I was laden with two big cloth shopping bags (er…not too much of a plastic fan), my purse, umbrella and perspiring enough to solve Bangalore’s water problem. And I looked radiant! Good for me :-)! The next part of the statement mentally teleported me to those times when I was an (un)certified geek (and perhaps still am)! Aaaaarrrrggggh !! Why can’t women pay a straight compliment???



It’s strange how people get stuck on one particular image of yours. And not all are positive……and real.



A classmate of mine had THE looks. I felt that she was smart, intelligent, articulate and what not. I was a huge admirer hers. When I ran into her at a musical show, she came across as a very selfish person. Charming but look-I-simply-don't-have-time-for-conversation-with-lowly-types-like-you type. Was it because she was an epitome of what I wanted to be? What was I thinking back then? Hmmmm......time really does provide you some much-needed perspective.



On a personal front, here’s one: I used to run into a girl who traveled on the same bus as mine. She never used to talk to anyone and was generally unresponsive to anything. All she did was stare outside the window (if seated near one), and not make eye-contact with anyone. Several years later, through a very curious twist, I came to know that she had a stutter and thus, a huge confidence issue. If I had stuck to that image of that cold forbidding girl, I would have lost a good friend.



When I am in my blue moods, I remember only the negatives associated with people. However, when I am positive enough (which is more these days :D), I am benevolent enough to ignore a person’s bitchiness, or not dwell upon it. But to ignore downright a person’s bad behaviour/ pointed insults/ indirect barbs, and to repeatedly forgive anyone……well…..simply put, it takes a great deal of effort. And why would I do that unless the person’s close enough? I’d rather keep a safe and comfortable distance.



Till date, I’ve been in touch with people for their honesty, intelligence and knowledge. And the fact that they tolerate me is an added bonus :-D. The thought of interacting with any one because they could be used in the future…..like………like shares is something I’ve observed in most people, but (thankfully?) not emulated. There have been times when I feel like I should be more street-smart, more like all those (clever?) people around me, do some ‘useful networking’, and lead a generally fruitful life. Right now it’s just a wish borne out of frustration when I allow people to walk all over me!


Perhaps in another ten years or so, or when I get really jaded, whichever happens sooner, I shall change…..for the better…......or worse ;-)! Till then, you are stuck with me ;-)!

I looouuuurrvveee......

.........Gmail Themes! Mine's Graffiti! What's yours?

What a complex web we weave

I’ve always wondered what bonds the complicated creatures of mankind namely the women. Is it talking for hours together (especially over the phone), gossiping, giggling over secrets, hoo-haaing over something trivial, ‘discussing’ recipes so on and so forth? Well…... I guess it’s all because I do not seem to possess any of those ‘fine’ qualities. And that alone brands me as an ‘outcast’ :-).


I’ve always been attracted towards intelligence….of any form. I like people who can hold a honest (a slowly dying trait) conversation about any subject under the sun without any prejudice. My girl-friends, even the blogs I follow (on Google Reader :-)...), in one way or the other, reflect the same. True, with time, we have bonded closely on a personal level. However, at the first instance, there’s this spark of honesty and intelligence which has been surefire turn-ons for me :-).


There’s RS whose blogs I read regularly. They are such a fine mix of level-headedness and intelligence that I was completely hooked (a rare feat I assure you). I don’t remember exactly how our correspondence started but it did….and with a bang! We even met up (our offices being close) and have kept in touch for….. (hold your breath) almost an year.


Then there’s NJ who has been a common friend through Jay. SA whom I’ve known since the start of my professional career. KA whom I had never interacted at work but got in touch later. So on and so forth. There has been a trait so compelling, so integral in all these ladies that had reassured me back then, and still continues to….in spite of the distance separating us.


But I have to confess that I am a big failure in forging relationships under force, or if I get nasty feelers from others. And (some) women seem to be so adept in this particular aspect :-|! I can good-humouredly tolerate rebukes. I can forgive taunts treating them as childish behaviour. However, at one point, I simply zonk out not caring about them at all. I marvel at people who can get along with people who spite them in the face. The penultimate peoples' person. Maybe it’s because of want. Maybe it’s because of need. Maybe they are mature beyond their years. The only thing I’ve learnt from such experiences is that each relationship requires a combination honesty, respect and time from both sides to nurture lastingly. A one-sided effort consumes energy and, with passing time, it simply drains away.


To digress, as kids it's so easy to make friends. All you need is a peace-loving play-mate :-). With passing age, developing personalities impede. And finally as adults (hoo-boy...I make it sound like the end of the world!), it becomes so very difficult to forge friendship of the lasting variety, thanks to already formed (and sowed) thoughts and opinions. Common interests are a must to 'keep-in-touch'. And for some, status in the society as well. When was the last time you liked somebody for what they were? And because they brought to the surface a different 'you'.....and a better one at that? If you did, do not let them go.


To all my girl-friends out there, thanks for being such an integral part of my life. I wish I could express how much. I hope that this does.

Chitraaz commandments

• Life passes in circles - you get back what you give......good or bad......and sometimes exponentially.

• You tend to learn not only from your mistakes but from others' as well.

• A person who respects your time is worth your time.

• If you can assess a person at a glance, you are experienced. If you can put yourself in others' shoes, you are sensible. If your mind scores over your heart, you are realistic. If you can bid for time, you are patient. If you have all these qualities, you are mature.

• With passing time, the bar is raised for both good and bad.

• The past shapes the present. The present shapes the future. The past cannot be changed. But the future can.

• The acts of love are otherwise compromises done selflessly.

• Marriage is like a jig-saw puzzle - there should be at least some compatibility between the pieces before time can fill up the gaps.

• Pretence is very hard to keep up and if it slips, disillusionment creeps in.

• Confidence and self-doubts are mutually exclusive.

• If only love can be proved by mere words.......

• A perfect relationship is one where in communication steps in from where attraction trails off.
  

Darn these emotions.......

Newton is a great man for having discovered the Laws of Motion, of which the most all-purpose-quoted is the third one "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". And the same goes for emotions - for every emotion there's an equal and corresponding (not always opposite, mind you) emotion.


These emotions! Baaaah! How difficult it can be to express them...! The first emotion that comes to mind is aamchi looooouuuuuurrrve (okie NJ.... I hope I kindle fond memories..... and you can stop laughing now :D)!


But have you ever realized that it's even more difficult to control expressing emotions rather than outright expressing them? Once expressed (hopefully in the right fashion), the deed is done. Blessed phew.... er.....I mean relief! Out of the system.....out of mind.....balance is restored in nature and self.


Think of the converse. Like a worm gnawing away slowly on the insides, a thought ricocheting within the mind can be so distracting that one would be torn between expressing it and facing the consequences rather than hiding it.


The universe functions on a principle of balance...... an sense of equality. This is extended to all beings, from the smallest to the largest, from the tiny to the intelligent, from animals to humans. And we, being the most complicated of beings ((no) thanks to these emotions again!) maintain this balance in our own unique ways. We earn money only to spend them. We eat food to produce energy. We work throughout the day to sleep during night. In the same vein, we are receptive to emotions as well. We understand, comprehend and assimilate emotions in an individualistic manner. Ultimately, once an outlet is found, equilibrium is restored. Peace reigns within the being.


While some of us are mature enough to recognize the volatile ones and accordingly think of a safe outlet, others express them in the form of violence, anger, destruction, harsh words, jealousy ....so on and so forth goes the list of negativities. The end result is the same, except for the fact that the negative emotions let forth in a negative manner would have induced a chain reaction in others. Pity......a lack of forethought......and a whole maelstrom of emotions.....


Expressing emotions.......I think it's an art. Sometimes harsh, sometimes gentle......sometimes spontaneous, sometimes planned.........sometimes so near the surface, sometimes so deeply buried that it's forgotten. Perhaps expressing them requires finesse......or perhaps not......because anything that is thoroughly practiced is no longer emotional.


p.s And that's why we have songs......all for expressing emotions in a musical way :-)! Perhaps this and this say it all....... :-)!

To say...or not to say

I am the ultimate 'flee'er from confrontations.

I may have all the right reasons to defend myself, but most times, I let the person accuse me to the fullest, not even attempting to defend myself. It's similar to having a one-sided conversation… in this case, an accusation. One reason of not responding/reacting is to allow the people to vent the venom plaguing them inside. Another staid thought is that they are incapable of listening to any reasoning, however sound, during such emotional outbursts. Besides, any conversation hits home only when the participants are relaxed without being uptight and jumpy. In short, hysterically emotional (wow… did I actually coin that?)! My motto - stay away lest you get burnt (to a crisp!). The few times I let lose my feelings, I feel drained...... irritated with myself for losing my highly-prized control.

Sounds cool? Now you must be thinking what a control freak I am :-). True.....I do admit the fact (phew….finally!). However, my sense of control asserts itself not because I want things (or people) moulded to my liking, but more to prevent people getting worried because I am worried. Perhaps this nature of mine found its roots during my college days - classmate who was perpetually tensed during exams. I ensured that I did not run into her even accidentally because of conversations like this:

She: "Hey.....did you study Chapter xx? I got a tip that we would be having 40 marks worth questions based on that chapter.

Me: "Oh..... I guess I better get mentally prepared to lose them."

She: "Oh my God..... I don't know how I will clear the exams."

Me: <inaudible sigh>

I didn't know what was worse – listening to my 'concerns' being voiced aloud, or acknowledging that those 'concerns' scared the hell out of me!

There are times I feel I should vent out my feelings during that instant... nip that suffocating feeling, that engulfs me in the aftermath, in the bud. Situation, people......so many factors to tackle at one instant.

However, the flip side of thinking twice about letting your emotions get the better of you is that they sometimes tend to remain locked....frozen.....knocking the walls of your mind begging for a release.... and you simply can't, because you would have lost the voice, will and heart to do the same.

Hope, the universal booster, is no longer alive.

Under such circumstances, what should be done?

Another stab – to allow the trickle of feelings, or drive a stake to bury them deep within?

(Re)Birth.......

I have a penchant for remembering some odd things (apart from noticing the most unusual :-)..... ). Colours, texture, impressions, conversations…….

In one of the summer holidays (I don’t remember exactly which), I had broken my left arm thanks to a sleepy bus driver, and an ensuing bus accident. The doctor to which I was referred made some soothing noises and slowly rotated my elbow to check the extent of the fracture. I duly rendered the yowl expected of me. But till date, what has stayed in my mind is the gentleness with which he treated me…..kind words followed by even kinder actions.

On the contrary, I even remember certain people for their brusqueness which, though expected, always triggers unpleasant memories :(. The most recent is that of my ex-manager, who had actually conveyed to my senior project manager that I was too aloof and did not mingle well among the team. This effectively stalled the promotion due to me. All because I worked my butt off for the project and earned the praise of my clients, instead of maskafying him. Harsh words followed by even harsher actions.

Somehow, I have never been a person of words. Most of the times, I am lost as to how to comfort people. But invariably, I end up comforting them by some means of physical contact – a touch on the arm, a squeeze on the shoulder, a tight hug for close friends. However I rarely give the chance of anybody comforting me because invariably, I end up withdrawing into my shell, analyzing and re-analyzing things and coming to a proper conclusion. Until then, it is one big silent torture….. the search for the elusive answer(s). Sometimes, these thought processes occur like a silent background activity, mingling with the rest of daily duties. And the times when the distraction does become apparent, I fend off all the concerned question with a wave of my hand, a negative shake of the head and a small smile. Perhaps I am too used to dealing with things alone…..or perhaps my expectation of people does not match up to my own standards……perhaps I was used to being laughed at for expressing thus…..or perhaps prior experiences had left their deep mark. I wish I knew the answer.

Lately I have realized that this ‘withdrawal symptom’ of mine affects people close to me….and how! Their concern apparent, some wait patiently till I am my normal self, while others belligerently ask whether I am daft to shoulder everything alone.

I smile. They frown.

Those years of loneliness…..of frustration…..of being scared…..of being ridiculed…..of being ignored……of being rejected. I search for words to explain ….the end result that’s me…..changing yet constant…..friendly yet aloof….and they sound pithy to myself.

Finally, I resort to actions….. because actions, at least in this case, are louder than words.

For a beginning ........

You don't have to be a romantic.....

To walk on bare feet, on (fancy dreaming here?) grass sparkling with dew-drops.....

To get drenched in drizzle, rain, thunderstorms...... you name it!

To buy flowers because of the sheer pleasure of looking at them and finding a dash of colour....

To eat something hot and spicy (and...of course, deep fried in oil :-)....), accompanied by tea, and being separated from falling diamonds by a clear pane of glass.....

To run my hands through my pet's soft fur slowly with a steady rhythm (and listening to an answering purr).....

To get my hands dirty as I try to do a bit of gardening......

To sit on the mountain top, and that too, at the tip, looking down into the vastness below (and wondering how His hand slipped here).....

To feel my hair, left aloose, blowing away from my face, thanks to a freshly sprung breeze....

To smell the fresh after-drizzle scent (wonder if the perfume-makers have been able to stopper this one in particular)....

To sniff fragrance of flowers brought by the winds, the trees of which are somewhere lost in the concrete jungle.....

To feel that wild beauty around me, something unconsciously missed amidst the beautiful landscapes of UK.....

To savour the comforting touch of a loved one.....

To wake up to the (sizzling) smell of dosa being poured on the hot tava :-)....

To perk up at a favourite song played unexpectedly on the radio.....

Every time my (so-called) practical outlook brings me down to earth, I seem to take refuge in these small things.

Does this definition apply to me? ;-)

Ssssllluuurrp responses :-)

SA and I are taking a stroll through the garden, just near the office cafeteria. Thanks to recent rains, everything appears fresh and green. SA takes a deep breath and urges me to do the same. "Just smell that fragrance of soil!" Yours truly obediently takes a deep sniff and exclaims, "Say…. they are cooking aloo paratha today"!

I am cribbing to PA about the junk topics (men, jewellery, gossip) which most women talk about when PA interrupts by saying, "I am sure I can discuss food with you :-)". Pity that person cannot see my enthusiastic nod of assent.

I am reeling under the after-effects of antibiotics when a colleague of mine mentions a particular dish which is a must-do at her family. The enthusiasm with which I identify the dish and express my loooouuuurrrve for it actually made me get out of the "I-am-unwell" feeling that I was burdened with.

P.Aunty is enquiring about the cost of the salwaar-kameez which I bought for Si, for which yours truly thus responds, "Hmmmm….. one favourite dish a day till I call it a stop. Let's start with hayagreeva :-)".

I am on a rare call with RS; time's a scarcity for her thanks to her recently elevated status to Motherhood. And as usual, we start talking about the some scrumptious food which we tasted in some obscure corner of the city, followed by complicated directions to that obscure corner. Sometimes I forget that there are better subjects to talk about….... like her three-month old baby girl :-) !

I take PA to a food joint in one of the well-known malls in B'lore. Without much ado, I make a bee-line to the farthest corner of the food-joint selling beverages like hot badam milk (yum-yum), bypassing the outlets for dosas, samosas, noodles and all that fried stuff which I usually hanker for. On being enquired, I answer with a simple, "This is the only thing worth its price in this over-priced mall!"

Yours truly is not her usual talkative self (she is, isn't she ;-) ?) during a baLe-ele ooTa hosted by her Project Manager. When quizzed she promptly answers, "I like to eat and listen to the conversation around me. That way, I can, and yet cannot be a part of the conversation." Project Manager is duly stumped!



H and I are spending a quiet night on the terrace looking out into the night sky. Looking at the inky black sky studded with twinkling stars, H remarks, "Sigh.... things like this make you feel so small na?". And I remark, "Hmmmm.... wonder what Amma's cooking for dinner."



The foodie reigns supreme :D !

Call of the wild

We have had one or the other pet as long as I can remember. Initially, we had a couple of dogs. After they grew old and died, we did not pursue the option of having a pet again. Then again, there were stray cats who ended up as pets – paying guests but still retaining a modicum classification as pets :-) !

Our first pet was a cute black-and-white kitten on which I took pity and put some milk. I am still blamed for this act of kindness for the simple reason that we have fourth generation litter of the same cat currently ruling the roost in our house ! We had a variety of kittens – multi-coloured, fluffy-tailed, long-haired (cute furballs :-)…) – some born right in the household (usually a designated maternity dabba) and some born-somewhere-else-but-left-here-for-babysitting-by-their-Moms. And it was the latter type which presented a great challenge for us they were wild and not used to human touch, unlike those bred in the household.

Recently, we have had our cat bring her litter of four kittens to our house. Small, furry, damn cute, fun to watch, but difficult to pet :-|! Any human presence was welcomed by terrible snarls and spitting! But oh, they seemed so very adorable that I was determined to 'win their affections'.

Initially, I used to make myself scarce during their feeding time so that they could eat in peace without any unwelcome human intervention. But with my resolution in place, I started baiting them with food from a safe distance. Oh, they remained watchful… so much that the slightest movement I made sent them scurrying back. Gradually, after the initial days of wariness, they got used to my presence, enough to come close to me for food. And one fine day, they started eating right from my hand! That prompted me to reach out to stroke their soft pelts. After initial (loud) hisses of rejection, slowly, but surely they got used to being touched and petted. They are still wild, still easily frightened by any small noise or movement. But it is heartening to see them come bounding to me, mewing plaintively and rubbing themselves against my legs!

When this particular 'experiment' took nearly two months, the most surprised individual was yours truly! Simply because I never considered myself a paragon of patience! On the contrary, I sometimes sorely felt the lack of it (especially while waiting for company to eat!).

Ah well..... the wild can sometimes be tamed with (tons of?) patience. But the absolutely free.....well......they are a different lot altogether !

My cents about marriage

I am lucky enough to be born to parents who have groomed me to be self-sufficient by providing me good education. However, there are times when I do feel that being a girl is a burden because of some situations I put them through.

Being single has its repercussions. I have nosy ‘well-wishers’ who wonder aloud as to why I am not yet married. Considering that I am still quite some years away from the dead-end figure of thirty, I wonder why this has become a hotly-discussed topic. To make matters worse, there have been allusions about the existence of (one or more) boyfriend(s) as well! Geez…..! The depth to which nosy-parkers can sink to!

I happened to be at home when my Mom was in the process of calling up a prospective groom. The call was received by the guy’s Mother. After dispensing with the required preliminaries, my Mom was at the receiving end of a barrage of questions which included the likes of “Is your daughter fair?” to which my Mom (smartly) replied that every child looks the best to its parents. This was followed by an enquiry if I had a H1 visa. I was wondering what does H1 visa have to do with marriage when she answered that her son apparently prefers a girl who is eligible to work ‘as soon as possible’ abroad! Hah ! It is not just ladies who are choosy these days!

I am at a juncture of life where I am quite sure about my priorities and my aspirations. I may not be drop-dead beautiful. Or even remotely cute (a key aspect of finding a good husband even if you do not have brains :)...) ! But hey, I am smart, frank and quite likable (a revelation to me indeed :-)......). I am bereft of pretence. I am a voracious reader. I maintain a blog. I have a yen for photography, music and colours. I have good dressing sense. I do not have to apologize for knowing better English than your average Joe. Or for being interested in photography. Or for being able to handle a DSLR better than most ladies. Or, in short, for knowing my mind. And this , I gather, is enough to set the warning bells (of insecurity) clanging among the males? Baah !

I still remember that one of the most back-handed comments I had received regarding my photos was that since it has been captured using an expensive camera it is bound to come out good! How chauvinistic! Is that supposed to put me ‘in place’? For crying aloud, that 'expensive' camera cost me nearly five months' salary, something which I scrimped, scrounged and saved to buy!

I have taken all the major decisions in my life so far. And I have learnt to be responsible for them. There have been some which I have not taken because it is not dependent on me alone. There have been times I do feel the lack of a guide….. or a father-figure. There have been indeterminate delays in taking major decisions because I would have needed time for a research. But hey, I have made mistakes and learnt from them. I am lucky enough to have good friends. However, if there’s one thing that I have learnt the hard way, it is to not be submissive! And unfortunately, that’s exactly the aspect which is perceived as a threat by men (and their Moms).

Phew ! Getting married is no easy job ..........and I am finding it the hard way :-| ! Let me appease myself at least in this way......

:-D :-D !!

Addendums:

1. When I was young (as if I am old now!), I used to think of marriage as something particular to the individuals involved. However, as I see my parents go through the motion of searching for a suitable groom, I am forced to backtrack into thinking that marriage is not just between two individuals but between two disparate families as well. Without mutual respect between the families involved, I am pretty sure that the couple in question would not have a hunky-dory life to lead, unless the spouse is taken into account as an individual.....and this is an art perfected by the minority of mature people.

2. Any relationship would involve compromise, as I was discussing with a friend from Delhi. So does marriage. What differs is the level of compromise, and whether some can actually be termed as 'compromise'. As I was discussing with her, what's wrong in flagging off this relationship as friends and gradually progressing to higher levels of relationship? Am I being very naive in presuming thus (after all, a compromise is a compromise, with or without friendship) ?

Ah... well... :-)

What Chitra Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

And while I suffer sleep-deprived nights due to cough, there's no dearth of endearing words! Chalo...... suhaane aksharon mein na sahi, par html mein hai na....!

:D !

Thanks Ashma!

Destination unknown.........

I did it!


I took one of the most important decisions in my life ....purely on gut instinct.


And while some laugh, let us see who laughs the last :-)!


So many open doors, so many opportunities. And now, while I try to make up my mind, there's something I need you guys to do.....


Wish me luck please.... :-) !

It is absolutely decadent.....

......when you take a day or two off from work to relax at home .....

......like this....

.......and with this......
Athishooooooooooooooooooooo !! Cough-cough!!


If only I was not stuck with this irritating cough and cold jo mere peeche nahi choDte !!


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There is good. And there is bad. Will I sound too old if I ask this - what do they gain by such acts in the name of God.....and freedom? Justification my foot !


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November seems to be a month of functions. Let me see.... I have attended two marriages, two naming ceremonies and one grihapravesha. On the cards are several more marriages and a couple of grihapraveshas. No wonder I am gaining weight! I squarely blame it on these functions, and thus ease my guilty conscience for gorging on baaLe ele ooTa !


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A few snaps which I could never have attempted abroad :-)



































































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Another year gone ! Sigh..... why does time fly so fast I wonder......! Some lessons learnt not to be forgotten in a hurry. Some dreams woven. Some goals etched. Some relationships forged. And some broken........beyond repair. Well......what else can I say but life goes on :-)! Thanks for all the wishes though :-)!


With the fond hope of increasing my Orkut's fan list ;-)..........!